What men and women REALLY mean

Men:

You have a nice smile - Thats a nice rack, lets fuck

I'm just staying in tonight - The lads are coming round with a crate of lager, some porn and a stripper

Of course i love you - Stop asking me annoying questions

I love you - I'm horny, lets fuck

You look beautiful tonight - Lets skip dessert , go home and fuck

No your arse doesnt look fat in that dress - Your arse looks fat in all your clothes

Fancy a drink? - Lets fuck

Why would i need a reason to buy you flowers? - I'm fucking your sister, mother and pet hampster

Your have beautiful eyes - I want to ram you violently from behind

Women:

Does my arse look big in this dress? - I know my arse looks big in this dress, you know my arse looks big in this dress, if you tell me that my arse looks big in this dress, i'll cut your balls off with a rusty steak knife.

Theres nothing wrong - I am an emotional wreck and its all your fault

Have fun tonight - I'll make sure you dont by plaguing you with phone calls and texts you insensitive bastard. Why wasn't i invited?? why?? why?? my life is over

Is she as pretty as me? - I know she's prettier than me, he knows she's prettier than me, if he tells me she's prettier than me i'll cut his balls off with a rusty steak knife

Do you love me? - I've been planning our wedding from the moment i clapped eyes on you, i have already named our babies and i know where our perfect house is

What men and women REALLY mean part 2: relationships

Men:

I'm working late - i'm fucking my secretary in a cheap motel off the M25

I'm not feeling very well, you go - I hate your mother, theres no way i'm going round there for dinner. I would rather ingest my own testicles than be in the same room as her

Ok you win, you were right - Now fuck off and let me watch the telly in peace

I'm just off to the pub - I dont fancy a drink but if i have to listen to you for one more minute, i'll stab myself through the leg just to dull the pain

Its a lads night - we'll all get pissed and pick up some cheap tarts to take back to Dave's - he may be unpopular but he has a huge flat

Women:

So you're wearing that shirt tonight then? - Burn the shirt, i fucking hate it - you look like a tit

I'm just off on a girly night - I'm going to get riotously drunk and flash my tits at strange men

Its up to you if you want to come with or not - If you dont come with you're getting the silent treatment for the next week and i'll most probably piss on your toothbrush

You've changed - I know deep down that i changed you but i'm a woman and i've changed my mind, i prefer how you were before i wore you down to a whimpering shell of the man you used to be

Lets snuggle - so i can check if i can smell another girls perfume on your skin and then start an argument because the mere sight of you makes me want to vomit blood

What men and women REALLY mean part 3: SEX

MEN

Let's snuggle for a while - You fuck just like your sister.....but i feel guilty now cos she gives better head

That was wild - I didn't feel much, thats some bucket you've got going on down there

Really how interesting - So what if women can have multiple orgasms, have you ever had one? i think not.....i can piss standing up so shut the fuck up

Is that the time? - I'd love you to stay so we can cuddle for a while but the cabs already booked and paid for

WOMEN

Lets snuggle for a while - I love you and have a warm glowing feeling inside, i'm dreaming of our wedding, i have planned the guest list in my head and am now choosing bridesmaids dresses and the band

It's ok that happens to lots of people - but theyre usually 14 years old and pulling themselves around the room to baywatch like a monkey on heat

Size doesn't matter - yeah right, like i'd order an individual pizza when i can get me a supersize one

Yes it was good for me - stop asking me stupid questions you moron, what kind of fool can't find my clit - how difficult is front and centre dickhead!!!

How to be a MAN

1. Never, under any circumstances, ever stop and ask for directions. This applies even if you have been driving for 3 and a half hours trying to get to your friends house ten minutes away. If you stop and ask for directions, you are in fact letting the whole of mankind down and you will forgo any right you could have had to being a real man.

2. It is your god given right to burn things in your garden in a huge heap that spirals way out of control, scaring the neighbours children and burning their cat. You must also poke the fire with a stick whilst drinking a can of your favourite brand of Lager, this proves without a shadow of a doubt that you are in fact a man.

3. Never read instructions. Instructions are made purely for the benefit of women. If you cannot work out how the item operates, take it to pieces with a screwdriver and look at it thoughtfully pretending that you know exactly what you are doing. If when you put it back together, you find it no longer operates, then it is purely the fault of the manufacturer and not down to you in any way. (fact)

4. Stare at everything that walks past you wearing a skirt. Do not take your eyes off of their legs until the person that is talking to you at the time jolts you out of your daydream. It is the manly thing to do. If the person you are talking to is also a man, he will also be engaging in this activity, which means that one of you must utter the sentence 'Phwoar, i'd tap that' to which the other will reply 'Too right mate' before the pair of you clink glasses and down your drink.

5. When going to the toilet, never use a urinal directly next to anyone else. If there is 3 urinals and the only one unoccupied is in the middle, i suggest pissing in the sink.

How to be a WOMAN

1. It is your god given right to be an emotional wreck and take it out on the nearest man, even though deep down you have no idea why you are crying and waving your arms about wildly. If the man asks what is wrong, you MUST say 'nothing' even if your world is collapsing in around you, otherwise you are a sad excuse for a woman and will be shunned by fellow females worldwide.

2. When angry, you must always clatter plates as loudly as you can whilst a man is trying to watch the television, it is after all the only way to get his attention.

3. When going to the toilet, it is not permissable to go on your own. You must go with at least one other female so you can talk about how much you like/hate the poor sod you just abandoned at the bar. If you like him feel free to smear each others faces with a top up of lipstick, to show him that you are easy prey, whilst chatting and urinating at the same time. Women multitask (fact!)

4. If an item of clothing in the sale is only a fiver, you as a woman must buy it, even if you don't like it and will never wear it. When asked why, look at the person asking as if they are stupid and say in a patronising voice 'because it was in the sale'

5. Always take a map with you on a road trip because the man will inevitably never ask for directions and it is your job as a female to make sure you get to your destination.

 

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