STEP 1: Attracting the opposite sex

Advice for men:

1. Always smile when conversing with a woman, although a few crazy ones fancy the quiet tortured type most women will think you have bad constipation if your face is contorted into a constant frown and will probably merely offer you some sort of laxitive and send you on your way.

2. Compliment their smile, their fashion sense, their hair or their eyes. Women like this and you will find yourself balls deep before the night is through.

3. Do not compliment all 4 of the above, just pick 1 or 2. Complimenting all 4 (especially just saying, 'I like your smile, fashion sense, hair and eyes') Just makes you sound like a crazy serial killer that lives with his mum and they will probably get a court injunction out on you. There is a fine line between compliments and being a crazed nutjob.

4. Buy her flowers. Women like this and you will find yourself balls deep before the night is through.

5. Do not read her poetry, contrary to popular belief this does not melt their heart, it will probably make them go to the nearest toilet and vomit blood. They will also be convinced that you are gayer than Julian Clary.

6. Make sure you get the round in. Women like this and you will find yourself balls deep before the night is through.

7. Do not order spaghetti bologneise when taking her out for a meal. Watching you slurping up spaghetti with a face full of tomato sauce will ensure that you will NOT get your balls deep before the night is through.

Advice for women:

1. Wear a tight top and a skirt for easy access

STEP 2: Guide to personal ads

We've all seen the personal ad's but what do they really mean? I am going to endevor to explain the true meaning behind them. I think you'll find my translations to be 100% acurate. FACT!

'Bubbly personality' - This means that the person resembles Bernard Manning (even if they're female) they are so obese it takes a forklift truck to manouvre them from their bed to the breakfast table, and a crane to lever them out of a custom made hole in the roof as they havent been able to get out of the front door since 1983.

'GSOH' - Good sense of humour (which is you'd need to date me as i have deep down emotional heartache, I have a penchant for farmyard animals and once you go out on one date with me, i will bombard you with flowers and phone calls, professing my undying love for you.

'Shy and retiring' - I was picked on as a child and i now opressed feelings of homosexually and the desire to murder my first victim after torturing them for several hours by making them watch baywatch in their pants.

'Outgoing' - I'm loud and obnoxious, i'll fart consistenly through our first date and use belching as a sort of mating ritual and sexual attractant.

'WLTM' - Most people think this means 'would like to meet' but it actually means that they have a 'Willy that's Little, Tiny and Miniscule' most people that put WLTM also have a GSOH and are shy and retiring.

You have to ask yourself why these people have to put an ad in a newspaper to meet another human being, when all you have to do is walk to the nearest town and its full of the fuckers (fact). Now you know!

STEP 3: Getting lucky in a club

Advice for women:

1.) Always go clubbing with a friend that is way less attractive than you are, this will ensure you have the advantage when it comes to getting lucky and give you a 75% increased chance of laying on your back in a drunken stupour on a bed in a holiday inn off of the nearest motorway with some bloke whose name you can't quite remember  by around 3am.

2.) When asked if you'd like a drink, always say yes and order a bottle of cheap wine - this will ensure that not only you get pissed but the bloke can also afford to get a room in the holiday inn off of the nearest motorway.

3.) Make sure you drink plenty of shots in between each glass of wine, after a while you wont have to pretend to laugh at his jokes as you'll laugh hysterically at absolutely anything for no reason, this will make him feel that you're actually interested in anything he has to say and you will be probably be rammed violently from behind in a toilet cubicle.

4.) Once you have had your way with him and he has passed out unconscious, snoring like a dinosaur - creep outof the room and get a cab home so you don't have to face him in the morning.

5.) NEVER take a picture of your night out on your mobile phone because when you're sober he will look nothing like you remember him and you don't want to vomit your lunch out in front of your workmates come monday.

Advice for men:

1.) Make sure you are already drunk before entering the nightclub. The reason for this will be made clear in step 2.

2.) Women usually go clubbing in pairs, one is always invariably uglier than the other hence suffers from low self esteem. Always approach her as she is an easy target. Seeing as you're already drunk, she will probably look a lot like Elle Mcpherson at this point anyway.

3.) Offer them a drink, drunk girls are way easier to take advantage of, as they won't notice how sickening your favourite hawaiin shirt is through blurry eyes. They will most probably ask for a bottle of cheap wine (you can thank me for that)

4.) Do not start telling jokes or making any comments until you are sure they are completely wasted. Let's not blow all this hard work by talking at them until you're sure.

5.) When you have got them to the hotel of your choice (i recommend the nearest holiday inn off of the nearest motorway) make sure you take plenty of pictures so you can upload them for money to internet sites such as thebitchibangedlastnight.com or easydrunkenslut.co.uk

6.) Once you have had your way with her, don't forget to roll over and fall asleep immediately without acknowledging her.

STEP 4: Lee's sexpert advice

Advice for women:

1. It's not detachable. When a man asks you to 'pull it off' they don't mean literally.

2. Doing it faster because you're bored and want to watch TV, does not make it any faster, it just means that the bloke now has to invest in some germalene and plasters to help heal the sores you have inflicted.

3. When a man has ejaculated - stop. Your job is done. There is nothing more to do. If a microwavable meal says cook for two minutes then two minutes and 10 seconds is unacceptable....comprende vous??

4. Do not attempt to touch or converse with a man after intercourse. It is the same scenario as if a man wakes you up at 4am to talk about sports - thats right, he couldn't give a shit.

5. Any promises a man makes just to get you into bed are null and void after sex. if you complain, he will simply make the same promises to someone else so be grateful for what you've got and don't screw it up.

Advice for men

1. Dribbling in a womans ear and trying to change the television channels with her nipple is not considered foreplay.

2. If you want to find her clit, think of her like a car - thats right my friend - look under the hood.

3. When she asks you to talk dirty, she's after a heated explination in explicit terms of what you're going to do to her - shouting 'nipples', 'minge' and 'gussett' into her ear whilst ramming your index finger in her, will pretty much ensure, you wont be seeing her again in this lifetime.

4. Don't ask her if you're better than previous lovers - if you have to ask my friend, then the answer is NO!

5. If you can get her to moan in a different way than usual (not about the decorating) then you're doing something right

6.The 'G-spot' is not in fact a holiday destination for gangsta's

UNDERSTANDING WHAT MEN AND WOMEN REALLY MEAN - CLICK HERE