Fuck Marmalade

Why the hell do so called friends or relatives feel the need to give you as a present for an occasion such as a birthday, christmas etc a small basket tied up in a bow with a variety of jars of marmalade in it??

Who, when asked what they would like for their birthday says 'ooh i know, i'd like a basket with marmalade please?' I'll tell you who - no.one.

No-one even likes fucking marmalade, its like a cheap and nasty relative to Jam. In fact marmalade is Jams mother in law, thats right, it stinks like shit and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. What is it for? what is the purpose for its existence?

No-one uses it, they just wrap the useless shit up again and give it some other poor unsuspecting bastard. I swear i got the same basket back this year that i managed to get rid of as a 'present' to someone i dont like that much in 1998. It gets rewrapped and sent around the planet like a useless sticky orange pass the parcel.

If you're really cruel you could wrap it up in a nice big box and give it to a friends child for a special occasion. 'There ya go kid, merry fucking christmas'! Why not kick them in contempt whilst you're at it and petrol bomb the parents car?!

So next time you rant about getting socks yet again for christmas, that play rudolph the red nosed reindeer every time it rubs against your shoe, remember that there are people out there a lot worse off than you. In short Marmalade is a by product of Lucifer himself and is actual evil in a jar.

Fuck useless Sayings

THATS A DIFFERENT KETTLE OF FISH':  I have a kettle at home and at no point have i ever filled it up with fish - water yes, fish no! No-one in the history of time has ever stuck fish in a kettle, let alone 2 kettles full of fish in order to have a different one. Therefore that saying is in my humble opinion a load of old bollocks. I have decided to put a lot of fish into a kettle just so i can say i have a kettle of fish. I will be using halibut. Why not fill your kettle with another variety of fish such as haddock - then you can have a different kettle of fish to me.

'IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE: When i ask someone if they have the capability to design a spreadsheet on Microsoft Excel and they say to me 'No worries, it's a piece of cake' It's clearly not a piece of cake as it in fact a spreadsheet. If i ask them for a piece of cake then that would be a piece of cake. Fixing a broken down car is not however a piece of cake. If you stick any cake in the inner workings of my car its fair to say that i will beat you with your own shoes.

'CUTE AS A BUTTON': How cute can a fucking button be? It's a button. It's round, has four holes and gets sewn onto your clothing to use for the purposes of doing up your shirt or jacket. It's in no way cute. It's not a puppy its a fucking button, it has many useful purposes so i'm not knocking the usefulness of a button, but it is in no way cute.

'MORE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT': Firstly i don't have a habit of shaking sticks at things and secondly if i decided to shake a stick at something it would be shaked at no more or no less. I can shake a stick at whatever the fuck i like so there.

'RUB ELBOWS': If i see a celebrity in the street, i dont go up to them and try to rub my elbow on theirs as that is just plain weird. I can see no reason to EVER rub my elbow on someone else's and neither should you, so stick that in your pipe and fucking smoke it!

'STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT': Firstly i think its fair to say that not everyone in the known universe smokes a pipe or in fact even owns one or seen one since the 19th century. Taking into accont the small dimentions of a pipe how much can you actually stick in it??

'SUCKING EGGS': A dangerous past time. I would not recommend sucking eggs (unless of course they are mine) just in case you suck too hard and an entire egg ends up lodged in your windpipe. If someone gives you the heimlich manouvere and an entire boiled egg shoots out of your mouth, how are you going to explain that one?? 'Sorry about that, i was merely sucking on an egg and the unthinkable happened'!

'SWEATING BULLETS': How the fuck can one sweat actual bullets. Firstly bullets are not made of moisture and secondly if you did actually sweat metal objects filled with gunpowder you would be arrested faster than you could say ''Sorry about that, i was merely sucking on an egg and the unthinkable happened'!

'TAKE YOU TO THE CLEANERS': When i'm trying to sue someone for all of their money, why would i waste my time giving them a day trip to the drycleaners? That in my opion would just be a waste of my time and petrol. 

Bollocks to McDonalds

MWhere do McDonalds get off calling temselves 'fast food'? for starters it took them nearly 10 minutes to make me a McHeartAttack with McArteryClog fries and a McPoison Milkshake (strawberry Flavour). Therefore they can Mcfuck themselves as far as i'm concerned.

No more will i be gracing their premises for the odd McCoronary - it's no wonder their mascot is a fucking clown that pretty much sums them up.

Had i just robbed a bank and was on the run from the police and suddenly felt hungry, i could have popped in for a bit of 'fast food' but then promptly got caught due to slowness of the morons that work there. I have no doubt in my mind that the only reason my paperboy is a paperboy is because he is well over qualified to work at McDonalds (and he's only 12)

Dont fall for their advertising ploys either because i have roughly translated them for you and they are as follows:

'Buy one bout of vomiting get a dose of gout for free'

Buy a McGrease burger add a few stone with the McObese Ice cream with extra chocolate.

Are YOU a gluttenous fat fuck? why not try the McFatty meal with extra Lard?

Fast food...bollocks more like!

Business Post are a bunch on Cunts

To whom it may concern

23rd April 2007

Congratulations! For you have now become the singly most useless company on the face of the planet. You have even managed to beat my local outdoor lighting shop who stock no outdoor lights in the useless stakes.

I am both bewildered and bemused and find it beyond contemplation that your company (and I use the term loosely) is still in business. I have no doubt in my mind that your entire workforce consist of cavemen dragged forward to the 21st century using some device that can travel through a wormhole in time.

You are to be commended for systematically smashing or losing every single parcel that we have handed your way. Thank you so much for sending us a £4000 invoice for the pleasure but I don't think we'll be taking you up on the offer of paying it as we are armed with over 200 complaints about your service including breaking an indestructible stainless steel gardening fork, leaving a 32 inch LCD television by a dustbin opposite a school and my personal favourite, wait for it…… slinging a £150 Microwave over someones garden fence where they found it in no less than 20 pieces a week later when going outside to do some gardening.

The only useful thing your company has done is made me get off my arse and look for a better and cheaper courier, so thank you for forcing me to find Parcelforce.

Best Wishes (you Cunts)

Lee Greenfield

Santa Claus is a Paedo

Dear Santa,

I specifically took the time last year to write you a letter stating that i wished to receive a Ferrari Testa Rosa Spyder for Christmas. To my horror and sheer amazement, when christmas rolled around, did i awake to find the world's most expensive Ferrari sitting in my driveway?! No. What i found was a few pairs of badly wrapped socks sitting under the Tree and to add insult to injury , i cant even wear them because every time they rub against my shoe they start playing Jingle Bells. Worse still was the jar of Marmalade in a basket which was left for me by an elderly aunt (as anyone will tell you, i fucking hate marmalade with a passion)
What was all this bullshit about if you're good santa will bring you what you want for christmas?! Where's my fucking car?? I behaved all year in the hope of getting a Ferrari Testa Rosa Spyder for Christmas. Why give people false hope?! Is it because i'm Jewish you racist fat, bearded son of a bitch?! Answer me or i'll call child welfare and tell them how you like to sit in a chair all day and have kids sit in your lap you sick fuck. I hope you know it's your fault that i lost my temper and pulled the plug on my aunts heart moniter rendering her comatose. Had i received my car as i requested, i would have overlooked being given marmalade and she would still be alive. That means not only are you a raging paedo, you're a murderer too...what have you got to say to that you beardy fat kiddy fiddling bastard fuck?!.
Fuck you and all the the stupid little elves you have working in your sweatshop, in fact i'm pretty sure working the little bastards 7 days a week 364 days a year just so you can sneak into peoples houses, down their chimney and watch kids whilst they sleep is also a human rights issue which the courts wont take lightly.
You're in a whole heap of trouble Mister.....fact.
Next time, you should think about the consequences before making statements you don't intend to keep. If i see you in my local supermarket again with that bucket of change, i will empty the contents of it and use it to beat you senseless.
Merry Christmas?? ....bollocks more like.

Lee Greenfield

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